WOW! I don't even know where to start. I guess life is just full of uncertainties. Yesterday, I went in for my regular appointment with my OBYGN. He did a regular ultrasound and couldn't find a heart beat. He then did a vaginal ultrasound which confirmed that the baby for sure didn't have a heart beat. I was 10 1/2 weeks a long and the baby measured about 8 1/2 weeks which meant that the baby had died about 2 weeks ago. I can't even express the feelings that I felt at that moment. I saw the picture of the baby on the ultrasound and even though I was still so early, you could definitely see the characteristics of the baby and it just broke my heart. It is interesting because miscarriages are so common and you hear so many stories from others about them, but nothing can help you understand what emotions you have to go through. Even though we were just 10 1/2 weeks pregnant..this was our baby. I already felt such a special connection with this little spirit and just loved my little baby so much. I will never ever forget our little baby spirit or this pregnancy. It is so hard to remember that Heavenly Father is in charge and has a perfect plan for all of his children. I am so grateful that since our little baby can't be with us right now, he/she is safe in the loving arms of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Everything will be ok. I think we will just have to grieve for a while.
This morning I went in for my D&C. I was a basket case. My Mom left work to come and stay with Porter during the surgery. Thank you so much Mom. I was so thankful for the awesome doctor's and nurses at Lakeview Hospital here in Bountiful that were so sensitive to our situation. And that my husband was able to be with me most of the time. They were wonderful. It's kind of funny because it took 4 nurses to find a good vein to give me my IV and anesthesia. I don't even want to know how many times I was poked before they finally got it. Not fun, but I am definitely used to it. I have HORRIBLE super tiny veins. After I was all prepped and ready to go, they totally knocked me out with general anesthesia and I went right to sleep. The whole procedure only lasted about 20 minutes. They said that everything went very smoothly. They hooked my hospital gown up to a warm air vent that kept me super warm and comfy the whole time. That was fabulous. After I was done, I spent only about 1 hour in the recovery room drinking juice and eating cookies with my husband, and then we were sent home. Not bad at all. I have been bleeding a ton (you probably wanted to know that..sorry) and am pretty stiff and sore, but besides that I am feeling good. I have to take 4 Ibuprofen pills every 8 hours and received a prescription for percecet so that really helps. I am supposed to take it easy today and tomorrow and then I should be good to go again. I am so thankful that the surgery is over and that we can move on with our lives a little bit.
I can't even express how grateful I am for such loving and caring friends and family. We have been blown away by how much we have have been taken care of and how many people out there have reached out and loved us. We are so blessed. It really has humbled me to watch so many acts of service on our behalf. I want you all to know how much we appreciate and love all of you. Thank you so much.
I think now more than ever that I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have my sweet little guy. I love him!!!! I am thankful that I have him to hug and squeeze at this difficult time. He has brought so much joy to our family it is absolutely amazing. I definitely will never ever take him for granted and will always realize what a huge blessing he is. It was so sweet because all day yesterday I just couldn't stop crying. I felt so bad for Porter because I am sure that he could feel all of the tension and sadness in our home, and didn't know what was going on. But I was sitting on the floor in his room with Paul and him, and he came right up to me with this super sensitive and concerned look on his face. He then put his head on my shoulder and started rubbing my arms so sweetly. He was trying to comfort his Mommy at just 20 months old and it just made my heart absolutely melt. He is so precious and I just can't even express how grateful I am for the love that he shares and the sensitive sweet little boy that he is. I also am so thankful for my incredibly husband Paul. I don't know what I would do without him. He took off 3 days of work to be with me. It was kind of interesting because when we first found out that we were pregnant, Paul gave me a blessing that talked about how whatever happens with this pregnancy, we will be comforted and blessed and feel peace knowing that all things happen for a reason, but we will have strength to go on. So it was like Heavenly Father was already sending us comfort and hope from even the beginning of our pregnancy to help prepare us for this awful news. Paul also gave me such a comforting and special blessing after we found out the horrible news. I am so thankful that he holds the priesthood and that he takes his priesthood responsibilities seriously. That has meant so much for our little family. He literally has done EVERYTHING here at home. Today he took Porter while I took a 3 hour nap. Then when I woke up, he took Porter to the park for 2 1/2 hours so I could continue to rest. I can't even say how thankful I am that I have been blessed with such a perfect husband for me and such a perfect Daddy for little Porter. He is definitely my everything and I will forever be indebted to him. Paul, thank you thank you thank you! You are the absolutely best and I love you with all of my heart.
So that is our story in a nutshell. We were told to wait to try again after I have had a normal period cycle. I am not sure if we will try right away because honestly it scares me to death right now to think about being pregnant again. But we will know when the right time is. For now I will just squeeze my husband and baby super tight tonight and thank my Heavenly Father for all of my blessings!! Also, I think I will pop a couple of pills and hopefully sleep well tonight! :)
3 comments:
Oh I just ache for you. :( I wish I could be closer and give you a big hug! It is so wonderful that Paul was able to take off work so you could rest. Those first couple days are so hard physically and emotionally. Porter is such a sweet little boy. You are so lucky to have him. After going through something like this, it is amazing how much more special these kids are to us.
Just know that you aren't alone if you need to talk. Also it's okay to grieve as long as you want. It does get easier, even though it may not seem like it, but the weight will be lifted. It's amazing how our faith can help too! You are such an amazing woman and I really wish I could help more. I'm just glad you have so many people who love you to help when others who love you equally can't be there physically. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!!!!
I love you so much, Emily. Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it wasn't easy. You are such an example of faith and strength. I cannot tell you how proud I am of my brother. I hope he continues to be everything you need and deserve. He is so lucky to have you and the beautiful family you guys have made. I love you all with all my heart. Thanks to our Heavenly Father that families are forever. <3
Emily,
We are so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. You are such a strong amazing woman and I love how you are giving it to Heavenly Father. Take time for yourself to heal and grieve. If you need anything please let me know.
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